Prioleau Alexander: Banking For Dummies

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As soon as the Silicon Valley Bank foundered, the media began to shriek about a potential banking crisis, and I wondered if the government learned anything about finance in 2008.

The banks learned a lot, of course. They learned they can go on a two-year bath salts bender, and still get bailed out, provided they were at least dealing with dollars, and not magic internet money blocked and chained up in hard-to-open files.

As I do not think the Federal government understands how banking works, I feel called to write a few notes—in hopes some will forward them to the Swamp dwellers.

Banking.

For the customer, the basic premise behind banking is simple, which is by design. This is because they must deal with clients as far down the mental food chain as, say, Hunter Biden. Let’s use him for example.

It goes like this: Hunter places legal tender in the bank’s care, and the bank gives it back when he asks for it. If he’s lucky, they might pay him $6 a year in interest, and only charge $475 a year in fees.

For Hunter, a bank should be like putting money under the hotel room mattress, except a bank reduces the chances of it being stolen by prostitutes whilst he engages in a seven-day vodka and crack-smoke-a-thon.

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The bank, to make more money, takes Hunter’s money and loans it to someone they feel certain will pay it back with interest… say, a well-established Chinese shell corporation that brokers access to the White House for fentanyl dealers who need to borrow a C-17 and some runway space in Texas.

The bank, of course, can’t get greedy and take risks, because it’s their clients’ money they’re using. Plus, the FDIC is supposed to keep its snout poking around in the trough. Remember, banks must be regulated because American’s deposits are insured by the Federal government—that being you and me.

Therein lies the rub. The federal government is involved—and has actual responsibilities—and they suck at everything. Everyone knows this, and bankers are certainly included in “everyone.”

So, while the feds are back in DC, busy investigating Trump for the sixth straight year, bankers began to tinker with the approved formula. They heard America is going to encounter a shortage of rubber dog crap made in Hong Kong, so they bought 100 million units. They caught wind that magic internet money is the future, so they took that in as deposits. They heard whispers that Nancy Pelosi is going to retire, so they bought all the Chardonnay grapes in Napa Valley, cornered the market in denture cream, and went long in ACME Hammer Manufacturing.

Before long, too much of their money is in risky investments, and Hunter finds out they took a bath in the rubber dog crap investment—so he needs to get some dough chop-chop, because he’s got a laptop to get out of hock. He heads down to the bank to withdraw some of his money, discovers other people have heard the news, and there’s a line eight blocks long. 

He begins to panic, remembering the accounts are insured only to $250,000, and he’s got 10 million fun-tickets on deposit.

You know what happens next, right?

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The bank folds, depositors only get $250,000 per open account, the bank managers move from their gated community to a Federal pen, their wives get booted off the school board, some congressmen get voted out of office for being a part of the scam, and other banks take note that it’s time to knock off their bullshit.

I kid, of course.

The federal government gallops in, and ensures every depositor will get all their money back, just as soon as they can get that money printed.

“Wait,” say taxpayers, “Those accounts are only insured to $250,000. Why is the dumbass with $10 million getting all their money back? That’s tax money. They were just too stupid or lazy to ensure their money was protected.”

Among the answers are:

“Corn Pop was a bad dude, and I’ve got hairy legs.”

“The Biden Administration is committed to our America First policies.”

“Orange Man bad.”

“Look! Over there! It’s Big Foot!”

Not wanting Silicon Valley Bank to be lonely, Signature Bank and First Republic Bank also failed, and Credit Suisse imploded.

Is anyone actually in charge of this country? If the Feds can’t keep track of something as cut-and-dry as bank investment spreadsheets, how the hell are they supposed to keep track of complex stuff like the military, the environment, health care, and infrastructure?

We know Joe Biden isn’t in charge, because the poor old fellow doesn’t know where he is. We know it’s not Congress, because they don’t allow open containers in the chambers, so no one shows up. And we know it’s not the courts, because all the judges have a massive backlog of laws needing to be made from the bench.

That leaves an army of unelected career bureaucrats and staffers, who are harder to pin down than pictures of Michelle Obama pregnant. They govern our nation, establish policy, implement policy, and currently ensure Americans who aren’t towing the liberal line are imprisoned.

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Here’s how many Congressmen and Presidents have read all the bills they’ve voted to make law: Zero. Nancy Pelosi’s words about ObamaCare weren’t crazy… they’re the norm: “We’ve got to pass the bill in order to see what’s in the bill.”

In the end, it’s a variety of staffers and bureaucrats who read the bills written by lobbyists, and give their boss a brief on an index card not unlike this:

House Bill 2404/406

What it does: Provides Americans with free ice cream every Wednesday.

Constituents: Solid support. Campaign donations pouring in from diet gurus, cardiologists, and cows.

Your Party: Concerned—this bill is unfunded, which doesn’t matter, but leadership is weighing the options: Vote yes, and make constituents happy, or vote no, and attack the other party for being fiscally irresponsible.

The President: Loves ice cream.

Recommendation: Vote yes, then send out a press release saying you have 5-point plan to pay for the bill, with details to follow.

The big question is, “Where do we go from here? How do we disinfect the furball Congress has puked onto the Constitution?”

The correct action would be to vote the bastards out, and elect men and women who will gut the government of this deep state ruling class, take back the reins, and do their jobs.

But that ain’t gonna happen, and our inability to govern our nation is why younger generations are falling prey to the myth that socialism offers an answer. (Actually, it does, if the question, “How do we make everyone equally miserable?”)

Douglas Adams once wrote, “Some believe that if the reason for the universe is ever discovered, the universe will instantly transform into a version far more bizarre and illogical. Some believe this has already happened.”

Sure seems like it has in the United States.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR …

Prioleau Alexander is a freelance writer, focusing mostly on politics and non-fiction humor. He is the author of two books: ‘You Want Fries With That?’ and ‘Dispatches Along the Way.’ Both are available on Amazon. He hopes to have another title published soon, but that would require his agent actually doing his job, so it may be awhile. Oh, and if you want to see his preferred bio pic? Click here …

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