Prioleau Alexander: National Holidays; International Embarrassments

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From time to time, I’ll check in with “the Google” to see what critical events I should be adding to my calendar. If something big catches my eye — something of tremendous importance my readers need to know about — I’ll offer notes. Imagine my surprise and excitement when I saw much of March is virtually dedicated to our great American politicians. 

March is when we celebrate National Napping Day, and National Take a Walk in the Park Day. One of these days celebrates our current President’s 9-5 work schedule, while the other denotes something he hasn’t been able to do for three years. Fortunately, he was recently given a clean bill of health – presumably by a doctor who thinks “do no harm” is part of an oath to the DNC.

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We also celebrate World Compliment Day and National Month of Happiness in March, which provides each of us a chance to send praise to our tireless public servants. Here’s my combo: Mitch — you’re the best, you’ve brought great happiness to us actual conservatives!

For all of Congress, we observe the International Day of Mathematics. Using mathematics, it is possible to deduce that every breathing human in America owes $94,000 in federal debt. While most American families can knock that out with mere two years of their entire household salary, I’m not holding out much hope for our 6,000,000 new dependents.

For the Pelosi family, we celebrate St. Patrick’s Day, when Nancy will be in DC swilling wine straight from the bottle, and her husband will be at home getting … hammered?

Forgive me … too soon?

We also honor Brain Injury Awareness Month, although it is difficult to know if this is for all the brave men and women who’ve actually suffered and are struggling with an injury, or those who think $34 trillion is an acceptable level of national debt.  

Then, of course, there’s National Crayola Crayon Day, recognizing the method in which our nation’s laws are drafted, and president Joe Biden‘s pastime during national security briefs. 

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National Cocktail Day comes into play in March, although in DC it’s known as “National Cocktail, Free Meals, Taxpayer Funded Vacations, and 20-year-old Interns Day.”

We’ve also got National Let’s Laugh Day and National Awkward Moments Day, custom designed to celebrate the following quote actually offered by vice president Kamala Harris: “We were all doing a tour of the library here and talking about the significance of the passage of time, right, the significance of the passage of time. So, when you think about it, there is great significance to the passage of time in terms of what we need to do to lay these wires. What we need to do to create these jobs. And there is such great significance to the passage of time when we think about a day in the life of our children.”

It’s also National Pack Your Lunch Day, which thanks to ‘Bidenomics’ is mostly Wish Sandwiches: Two pieces of bread, and a wish you could afford something to put between them. 

We must remember National Sloppy Joe Day, but this sacred event has become something of a hot topic. Is it referring to the Manwich meal? Or baby food running down the President’s chin at mealtime?

We also enjoy National Puppy Day, and hope that the Bidens will get a new puppy now that their German Shepherd “Commander” has bitten Secret Service Agents a total of 24 times, and is destined to “move to the country to get married.” As March also celebrates National Corgi Day, perhaps that’s a sign?

March 27 is National Theatre Day, during which 40 percent of America acts like President Biden isn’t in the late stages of dementia – and his son Hunter wouldn’t be doing five years in prison if he had any other last name. It’s also a day when Republicans in Congress expend a little extra effort acting like conservatives, but they don’t get sufficiently into character that any conservative policies move forward.

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World Puppetry Day also in March, which celebrates all the DNC typists and fluffers in the mainstream media. 

World Backup Data Day seems a perfectly logical day to take note of, but for some reason it’s celebrated in the Clinton household, but not the Biden’s.

But March isn’t just for politicians!

We also take pause for World Piano Day, during which Charlestonians offer prayers of thanksgiving that William Cogswell is now the mayor.

March 14 is Celebrate Scientists Day, which has now become suspect, as everything seems to now be “settled science,” which happens to be the exact opposite of actual scientific. 

Believe it or not, there’s National Middle Name Pride Day. My middle name is Prioleau, and I believe it is the only name in America that has all the vowels. Of course it’s a Frog name, so some of the pride is diminished.

Let’s see … Global Recycling Day is a big occasion in Hollywood for obvious reasons.

We’ve got National K9 Veterans Day. While these dogs doing dirty work on behalf of our law enforcement and military branches are heroes off mine, the day seems odd. I mean, it’s not like they volunteered. They didn’t put their paw print on their commission. I’m sure they’d much rather be on a couch with Mom and Dad than sniffing for bombs. And if their handler tells them about the celebration, all they hear is “Blah, blah, blah, Rover. Blah, blah Rover.”

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While World Poetry Day doesn’t have a lot of followers, it does enjoy rabid support among men in Nantucket.

World Consumer Rights Day damn sure better get some press, because people living in areas where organized shoplifting has bankrupted drug stores have a right to buy their drugs someplace convenient. (They can, of course, get drugs — they just aren’t buying the kind readily available and for sale by professional shoplifters).  

In March, we recognize National Common Courtesy Day. You people really need to focus on this one, because I drive with you in traffic. Me putting my blinker on is not a signal for you to speed up to keep me from changing lanes. Oh, and it would be nice if you waved when someone with common courtesy waits to help you out.

National Goof Off Day is big one with the team at FITSNews, as it’s nice to know others are celebrating our daily work ethic when Will isn’t around.

I find National Anonymous Giving Day to be special, as I have given millions to local non-profits, churches, and advocacy groups. I’d list them all here but that would defeat the purpose of being anonymous, no?

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR …

Prioleau Alexander is a freelance writer, focusing mostly on politics and non-fiction humor. He is the author of four books: ‘You Want Fries With That?,’ ‘Dispatches Along the Way,’ ‘Where Have All The Cowboys Gone?‘ and ‘They Don’t Call It The Submission Process For Nothing.’ 

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