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It’s Independence Day, and time to hoist a glass to the greatest nation on the planet!
America is the world’s homecoming queen, while the rest of the globe is the ninth grade dude with bad skin, madly in love with her. Of course, the homecoming queen is really busy being fawned over, so she doesn’t even know that ninth grade lad exists. In return, he hates her. Loves her. Wants her. Wants her to love him … but he’s too insignificant. Occasionally, in the hall between classes, she’ll wink at him, and his heart melts — but as she continues down the hall to tantalize the varsity quarterback, the hate returns.
“Love meeeeeee!” the world weeps. “Pick meeee as worthy of your attention!”
Sorry – America is too busy inventing new and wondrous weapons of war! Restoring 1965 Mustang convertibles! Designing basketball shoes worth $3,500! Passing laws to arm every citizen! Making movies that cost more than other nations’ GDP! Winning so many Nobel Prizes we use them as doorstops!
Our sport teams aren’t just champions — they’re world champions! Who’s gonna stop us from making that claim? It sure ain’t gonna be a bunch of Euro-wieners. Maybe Belize? Bosnia? Chile? The only way another nation can stifle that claim is via nuclear weapons, and even then they’ll come in a distant second place!
We weren’t a nation that’s always been — we had to hack this homecoming queen out of wild forests! We chiseled her out of granite! When we came to vast lakes, we invented cigarette boats, and made the crossings at 142 mph … with a cooler full of beer, a fifth of bourbon, and that LSU gymnast riding in the bow!
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Sure, we’ve stumbled along the way, had a few unjust wars, but — hey, if we hadn’t stolen half of Mexico, we’d need a passport to find decent burritos, and the illegals would have to come even further north to get in! The fact is, every nation we plowed over on our way to our greatest led us on — they wiggled their resources at us, taunted us with their open lands, and teased us with their foreign policy mistakes. How can the world blame us for reacting the way any red-blooded nation on the rise would?
China, India, and Russia are exempt from the Paris Accords climate crap because they’re “developing.” They’re going through their “industrial revolution.” Aw, isn’t that cute. Know when we had ours? Like, 120 years ago! What have these people been doing for the past century? Oh, that’s right—trying to invent the wheel!
We’re so rich our poor have smart phones! We’ve got homeless people that live better than the middle-class in 70 percent of the world! Our citizens have so much discretionary money, they eat fish raw … by choice! We leave tips bigger than a Russian family’s food budget for the month! American women will not only pay extra for jeans with holes in them — they pay someone else to create the rips, tears, and holes! We literally give money to our citizens who are in a tough spot! You know what you get in the rest of the world when times get tough? Dead!
Consider the things the average American bitches about:
- The hot water is taking to long get warm!
- The Internet is slow!
- The cable is out!
- I’m out of printer ink!
- Concert tickets are too expensive!
- My car’s making a funny sound!
- The new iPhone’s camera isn’t good enough!
- My AC will only cool my crib to 67!
Know what the rest of the world bitches about?
- Food.
- Dysentery.
- Civil War.
- Water that won’t kill you.
- Getting genocided.
Is this fair? Hell no it ain’t — so shut up you bedwetters, and tweet your boo-hoos to someone who cares about your “woes.” You don’t have any! Why? Because someone better than you marched into the Grizzly den known as hardship, smack that bastard around, and made him vacuum the floor and do the dishes before he could have any porridge! Oh, things are so hard for you? Try busting sod in South Carolina … in August … in 1800, when all you had was wool clothes!
Think of what our forefathers endured! War! Starvation! Agonizing death! Bitter cold and blazing heat! Barack Obama! Yet today, we have law students being provided counseling after SCOTUS makes a ruling they don’t like, and tens of millions of Americans shrieking that syrup is racist. Wanna know what racism is? Slavery — which our black brothers and sisters survived, and went on to greatness! Does anyone really think Frederick Douglass would give a speech about the need to change the name of a pimento cheese spread? Or that MLK, Jr’s last thought was, “I forgot to mention they need to change the name of Eskimo Pies?”
Hell, no! He was an American man! He saw injustice, strapped on his battle gear, and ended it! That’s possible here in the land of the free — hell, we saw an injustice in Japan, and stopped it … with freaking nukes! How bad ass is that? It’s one of our great advantages: Other nations may rattle their sabers and point at their nukes, but in the back of their minds they always remember, “Those crazy sons of bitches have actually used these things!”
Speaking of nukes, you know what toppled the Soviet Union? It wasn’t nukes … it was rock and roll, Levi’s jeans, Coca-Cola, EZ-Boy recliners, hair spray, and classic cars! Those commie prisoners got a load of how much fun we were having, and toppled the freaking government! Not a shot was fired … why? Because even the psychopaths at the top wanted their MTV! Have you ever seen a Heart video from back in those days? Ann and Nancy Wilson? Hell, Gorbachev was willing face the firing squad just to be in the same time-zone as one of them!
(Click to View)
(Via: Heart/ YouTube)
America is a nation so great, Samuel Colt thought, “I need to take a tomahawk, reduce it to the size of a roach, build a thing that will fit in the palm of your hand, then fire that little tomahawk at the speed of sound!” Our Founding Father’s actually designed a government that limited their power! When the Great Depression and the Dust Bowl hit, our people didn’t whine — they crossed half the nation just to pick some grapes of wrath!
Everywhere you look is badassedry! Have you ever seen an A-10 Warthog on a strafing run? An M1-A1 Abrams tank fired a sabot round? Fired a MK-19, which spits grenades downrange like they’re freaking bullets? I have — and I’m here to tell you it’s worth every tax dollar you’ll ever pay.
Add in names like John Deere, Cat, and International Harvester, and you’re scratching the surface of our badassedness! Just for fun, throw in speech so free a sitting president can end an address by saying “God save the queen!” Season that with every American’s right to own enough weapons to arm a platoon of Sandinista rebels, and you’re getting a little traction! Add to the mixture deep-fried snickers, mustard-based BBQ sauce, nail guns, thermal scopes, and county fair rollercoasters assembled by a gaggle of meth heads, and America is beginning to show herself!
(Click to View)
America today is in a bit of a mess, but that’ll pass. Girls will tire of cutting off their breasts, and boys will wake up and stop cutting off their you-know-whats. Kids will grow up, get carjacked – and join the GOP. Naked men marching in Pride parades will unwittingly march past Chuck Norris and his grandkids. Infantrymen will grow weary of carrying Infantrywomen’s backpacks and weapons, and assign them to KP duty. General Mark Milley will discover what “white rage” is when the men in white coats put him in a white straitjacket, and haul him off to a lunatic asylum.
Man, Independence Day has it all! Artery-clogging burgers! Hotdogs made of hooves and hog snouts! ERs jammed with patriots who’ve blown off their fingers! Country boys firing their weapons-of-war into the air! Couples strangling each other trying to put the boat in at a public ramp! Jacked-up diesel trucks in parades, spitting more carbon than John Kerry’s private jets!
It just doesn’t get any more American than this — all because our forefathers did the hard work, and gave us a birthright known as The Land of the Free.
Peace out, Patriots … and Happy Independence Day!
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR …
Prioleau Alexander is a freelance writer, focusing mostly on politics and non-fiction humor. He is the author of two books: ‘You Want Fries With That?’ and ‘Dispatches Along the Way.’ Both are available on Amazon. He hopes to have another title published soon, but that would require his agent actually doing his job, so it may be awhile. Want to see his preferred bio pic? Click here …
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2 comments
It’s fitting on Independence Day to remember the speech President Trump gave on this day in 2019, reading from a Teleprompter, that Continental troops took control of the airports from the British during the Revolutionary War. Yes, airports in the 1770’s.
Oddly, none of the people squawking nonstop about Biden’s “dementia” had any problem with Don’s many excursions into crazy town.
Land of the Fee, Home of the Debt Slave.
Pay thousands of dollars to insurance – if you can even afford it – so you only have to pay thousands of dollars to see a doctor the insurance allows you to? Freedom!
Borrow tens of thousands of dollars to get a degree but can’t find a job that doesn’t expect you to do an unpaid internship first? Freedom!
Can’t buy a house because housing is an investment vehicle and the market is given artificial scarcity so others can profit? Freedom!
Don’t worry, you’re just voting for the wrong neoliberal! Vote for the other neoliberal and the rich will get richer, and, uh… Oh look! Is that a drag queen? Reading a book? Wow, that seems really important! I can’t even remember what we were talking about now! Keep looking that way while I lift the wallet out of your back pocket though.