Prioleau Alexander: ‘Harsh’ Treatment Of Hunter Biden

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Former president Donald Trump is, without question, the most crooked con man who’s ever served in the Oval Office. And the worst thing is that it’s so obvious.

Don’t think so? Check out this WhatsApp text sent by Donald Trump, Jr. to a businessman in China:

‘I am sitting here with my father and we would like to understand why the commitment made has not been fulfilled. Tell the director that I would like to resolve this now before it gets out of hand, and now means tonight. And, Z, if I get a call or text from anyone involved in this other than you, Zhang, or the chairman, I will make certain that between the man sitting next to me and every person he knows and my ability to forever hold a grudge that you will regret not following my direction. I am sitting here waiting for the call with my father.”

It’s unbel — wait, what’s that? It’s from Hunter Biden?

Well, then. In that case … no worries! Surely Joe wasn’t involved … he was, no doubt, entirely unaware. It’s obvious what happened: Unbeknownst to the president, Hunter demanded a bribe, and the Chinese businessmen caved, without him ever presenting any evidence whatsoever that he had access to Daddy.

The call probably went something like this:

Hunter: Hey, Chinaman — it’s time for you to pay me off, or I’ll tell Daddy.

Z: How do I know a little ‘tard like you holds sway over your father?

Hunter: Cause … facts and stuff. 

Z: I’m afraid we will need some kind of evidence.

Hunter: Oh, yeah? Well, I’m going to send you a text when he’s sitting next to me. He’ll be right next to me, close enough to sniff my hair, and he’ll be all mad and stuff.

Z: How will I know he’s sitting next to you?

Hunter: Are you questioning my integrity?

Z: No! I’d have to be smoking crack to do that.

Hunter: You smoke crack, too? I like to smoke when I’ve got a room full of hook—

Z: Just shoot me the text as a reminder, and we’ll pay up.

I think there’s further evidence Joe wasn’t involved because of the way Hunter wrote the email. It lacked the confidence one would have if the vice president was really behind you – and the extorted client clearly knew he was. I mean, it was practically deferential. In fact, it kinda sounded like he was just hinting.

The other thing that stabs a huge hole in the case is the lack of proof Hunter was anywhere near Joe when the text took place. He could’ve been anywhere! In fact, he — I’m sorry, what? There’s literally photo evidence that he was at Daddy’s house, showing off his corvette?

(Click to View)

Well, We The People needn’t worry. After all, we’ve got that crack team at The New York Times. I have their app on my phone — I subscribe so you don’t have to — and shortly after the news broke, I launched that sucker. I knew if there were in-depth details to be found, the Gray Lady would be digging them up. And there it was, only 43 stories down. Literally, only 43 stories deep in their bowels.

It’s clear that — oh, crap — it might be Chinese misinformation. Or worse yet, Russian! I’ll bet that theory is already bouncing around among the 51 ex-intelligence agency officials who said Hunter’s laptop was Russian disinformation. Odds are they’ll demand the FBI and DOJ investigate the issue for four years straight.

The thing that’s sad is, of course, that Republicans will do nothing. The media will hide the story, so the idiots that use The View and Stephen Colbert as their primary news source will never know. And among those that do, they’ll think “there’s nothing here. It’s a non-story.”

The good news, however, is this incident has provided a front-runner for the 2023 “Yes, he said it with a straight face” Awards (a.k.a. “The Facies”). A statement released by Hunter’s beleaguered attorney said:

“Biased and politically-motivated, selective leaks have plagued this matter for years. They are not only irresponsible, they are illegal (1). A close examination of the document released publicly yesterday by a very biased individual (2) raises serious questions over whether it is what he claims it to be. It is dangerously misleading to make any conclusions or inferences based on this document. (This was) a period which was a time of turmoil and addiction for my client (3).

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Let’s go through that statement by the numbers, shall we?

1. Because they are illegal, you’re not allowed to read what’s in front of your own face, and draw your own conclusions.
2. Since this person exposed a crime, he must be a Republican. Democrats don’t do that.
3. An individual is not responsible for his actions when doing crack — just ask the tens of thousands of individuals rotting in prison because of the crimes they committed while high on crack.

Biden’s attorney then went on to cement his place in the Facies Hall of Fame by adding:

The DOJ has recently concluded a exhaustive five-year investigation this week (1), which resulted in my client taking responsibility (2) for two instances of misdemeanor failure to file tax payments, as well as a firearm charge, which will be subject to a pretrial diversion agreement (3). As his attorney through this entire matter, I can say that any suggestion the investigation was not thorough, or cut corners, or cut my client any slack, is preposterous and deeply irresponsible (4).

1. Since when do law enforcement agencies launch five-year exhaustive investigations for misdemeanors? The last traffic ticket I got, I just mailed in the $120.
2. Why didn’t he just take responsibility five years ago, if they were misdemeanor crimes?
3. A diversion program for which he doesn’t qualify, given he lied on a federal firearms form and brandished a firearm while high on crack.
4. More deeply irresponsible than failing to pay taxes and possessing an illegal firearm? We have black men in jail all over the country for failure to pay child support — and don’t get me started on firearms charges. 

Jealous about about Hunter’s lawyer’s place in the Facies Hall of Fame, Politico typist Renato Mariotti secured his place in the 2023 “Typed it with a straight face Awards” (The Typees) by penning an article entitled Hunter Biden Got Special Treatment — Especially Harsh.

And imagine this: His article has been mainlined to the very top of Google searches for “Hunter Biden special treatment.”

The poor people on that private sub got especially harsh treatment for their hubris. Hunter? He will be just fine.  He might even run for office to take his daddy’s place.

And the sad thing? He’d probably have a shot at winning the nomination.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR …

Prioleau Alexander is a freelance writer, focusing mostly on politics and non-fiction humor. He is the author of two books: ‘You Want Fries With That?’ and ‘Dispatches Along the Way.’ Both are available on Amazon. He hopes to have another title published soon, but that would require his agent actually doing his job, so it may be awhile. Oh, and if you want to see his preferred bio pic? Click here …

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