Prioleau Alexander: Let’s Play ‘What Would You Do?’

Welcome back — it’s time to play every rich, white liberal’s favorite game show, WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

Let’s get started:

You hate Donald Trump. Do you:

1. Chill your ass out because he’s no longer President, and will lose if he runs again.
2. Take comfort that he’s old and overweight and may die soon.
3. Send him a rent check each month for the space he still takes up in your brain.

You’re a white guy driving an Uber, turn a corner, and run into a BLM mob that begins pounding on your car and refuses to let you leave. Moments later a man carrying an AK-47 appears at your passenger side window. Do you:

1. Get out, wade through the crowd, assure the gunman you believe Black Lives Matter more than all lives, and ask him to join you for an appletini at TGIFridays.
2. Crack the window, turn up your Charlamagne tha God to 11, say, “What up, Mah N-word?”
3. Use the gun in your car to blow your own head off in a show of solidarity with the oppressed.

You are a member of the LGBT Community, and feel you are being persecuted. Do you:

1. Take some statistical comfort that PBS reports there were 32 Trans murders in 2022—mostly among Blacks in the trans community—while there were 1,825 murders of straight Black females in 2022.
2. Declare those 32 trans murders equal literal genocide.
3. Organize a Trans Day of Vengeance a week after a trans individual murdered six innocent people in a school shooting.

You are the marketing director for the largest-selling light beer in America, which is sold mostly to frat boys, blue-collar workers, NASCAR fans, WWE fans, men who grill out, drivers of big rigs and 4-wd trucks, and gun owners who like to have a cold one after busting some caps. Do you:

1. Run a campaign that insults the worldview of fans of WWE, NASCAR, grilling out, trucks, guns, and a million dudes a year who join frats.
2. Hire a trans women who looks and acts like a 1975 stereotype of a flaming gay man—to be a spokesman for the beer.
3. All of the above.

Evil people keep shooting children while they are in school. Do you:

1. Move heaven and earth until two armed professionals are stationed in every school.
2. Demand NO GUNS ALLOWED signs be posted in a larger and angrier font.
3. Offer Constitutional ideas that do not involve a good guy with a gun.

You are a lifelong feminist, and read the news that female swimmer Riley Gaines was speaking at San Francisco State University about the importance of women competing against women, when she was attacked by a mob of psychotic trans people. Do you:

1. Recall the mental gyrations you used to remain silent after Bill Clinton took advantage of a young intern in the Oval Office, and set them back into motion.
2. Have your #Metoo and Believe the Woman tattoos removed.
3. Fire up the bong and watch The View to see how you should react.

You are a law-abiding citizen and discover there is a laptop that belonged to the son of the President, that has photos of him smoking crack, engaging in sex with dozens of hookers, and correspondence that links him and the President directly to China and corruption in Ukraine, which his business partner confirms is true. Do you:

1. Insist “the Big Guy” could be anyone.
2. Stave off questions like this by pointing out Hunter Biden isn’t President.
3. Use meditation to try and remove from your brain that the sitting President described Hunter as “the smartest guy I know.”

Like all parents, you want your children to inherit an America not destroyed by a war with China and Russia—ergo you want the best and the brightest to be running the show—especially when it comes to the man with the final say. Do you:

1. Watch President Biden shake hands with the air and believe he’s practicing for when he shakes hands with Putin and Jinping after brokering a complex peace treaty that will benefit the entire globe.
2. Convince yourself the Easter Bunny dragged President Biden away from reporters because he had to meet with the Fed and advise them on global economic theory.
3. Take comfort in the fact Corn Pop was a baaad dude, and prepared the President for a show-down with two psychopaths who have nukes.

You believe slavery and the genocide of American Indians are the greatest stains on our country, and are sure you’d have the same moral compass in the 1850s that you do today. You also know that Nike, Apple, Patagonia, and Disney have direct links to slave labor in a country committing genocide on the Uyghur people. Do you:

1. Buy their products but sign as many anti-slavery-and-genocide petitions as possible.
2. Support the brave BLM stances of Colin Kaepernick and LeBron James, while they enrich themselves from the profits that come with using slave labor.
3. Repeat the mantra, “Meh. They’re just Chinks. Whatevs.”

You were super excited when Joe Biden announced he would nominate a “women of color” as VP, and not necessarily the human being best suited for the job. You cheered when the “woman of color” SCOTUS nominee stated she could not define what a woman is, because she’s “not a biologist.” It occurs to you that she and the VP are only there because they are women. Do you:

1. Seek psychiatrist counseling.
2. Insist the sentence “Can you tell me what woman is?” depends on “what your definition of is is.”
3. After removing your #MeToo and Believe-the-Woman tattoos, use that available space to tattoo # I-am-a-total-window-licker. 

Alexandria “Sandy” Ocasio-Cortez and Nancy Mace encouraged the FDA to simply “ignore” a ruling made by a Texas District Court. Do you:

1. Point out that America is a nation of laws, not opinion polls—and ignoring the orders of a court will lead to total anarchy, because everyone will start cherry-picking what laws they want to obey.
2. Cheerlead this idea, because you, Nancy, and Sandy have far more legal expertise than a bunch of know-nothing judges who’ve studied law their entire adult life.
3. Lie awake at night, fearing your brother may get pregnant and unable to get an abortion.

You find out that homosexuality is punishable by imprisonment in Kuwait, Egypt, Oman, and Syria, and punishable by death in Iran, Saudi Arabia, Qatar, and the EAE. You also discover homosexuality is illegal in “Palestinian” territories, but legal in Israel, where many members of the LGBT community have fled.  Do you:

1. Hold marches all around the nation, demanding LGTB rights be viewed as human rights in these Muslim countries, and pressuring the US government to break ties with them.
2. Somehow completely ignore this, and call anyone who doesn’t think Islam is religion of peace an Islamophobe.
3. Shriek louder to free “Palestine,” so they’ll be free to imprison members of the LGBT community.

Classified documents are discovered in Donald Trump’s office inside the unmonitored grounds of Mara Lago, then in the literal vault known as Joe Biden’s garage and his Navy Seal protected office at U Penn. Do you:

1. Demand Joe Biden be held accountable to the same standards you were squawking about when Trump’s documents were discovered.
2. Despite not having read a single legal document about Trump’s situation and never having opened a legal text to read the laws regarding the obstruction, defend Biden by parroting what you heard Don Lemon say and squeal, “The difference is Trump obstructed justice!”
3. Repeat “b” to every yo-yo at every vapid wine and cheese party you attend.

Well, that’s it for today’s game, and the winner is — drum roll please — YOU!

Today’s grand prize includes a photo op at the border with Sandy Cortez, where you will fake cry after looking across the border fence into an empty parking lot … an all-expense paid trip with Al Gore to view the decimation of the Polar Bear population, which plummeted from 12,000 in 1965 to 22,000 in 2023 … and finally, a long weekend with the Obamas on Martha’s Vineyard! That’s right! You’ll get to meet Obama and Michelle, and their neighbors, who all are just like you— Rich… White… Liberals!  

Thanks again for playing … and we’ll see you next time on WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR …

Prioleau Alexander is a freelance writer, focusing mostly on politics and non-fiction humor. He is the author of two books: ‘You Want Fries With That?’ and ‘Dispatches Along the Way.’ Both are available on Amazon. He hopes to have another title published soon, but that would require his agent actually doing his job, so it may be awhile. Oh, and if you want to see his preferred bio pic? Click here …

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