|
Getting your Trinity Audio player ready...
|
In its most recent threat analysis, the office of the Director of National Intelligence (DNI) stated we face threats posed by China, Russia, North Korea and Iran … okay, good so far. And we are facing the rise of new technologies that could wreak havoc with traditional businesses … well, if you’ve read anything about the explosion of artificial intelligence and deep-fakes, you’ve got to agree.
Then (and this is not from the Babylon Bee) they state we’re facing the threat of climate change.
Yes, that’s right. In the next year, we are facing the clear and present danger of getting nuked, and before long someone might be able to post a seemingly-real video of the president announcing we’re launching missiles at Russia in two days, and computers are designing computers to attack our digital and power infrastructure, and — oh, right. The sea level might go up .001 inches.
It’s pointless to even debate climate change, because America is overflowing with paleo-climatologists who haven’t read a book in the past year … who’ve never read a single scientific white paper … who watch Don Lemon for scientific insight … who’ve declared the global warming climate change studies by scientists (who are funded by the federal government) to be settled science.
You know, settled science. Stuff that is no longer a theory or a hypothesis, but a fact — like social distancing, masks, and the vaccines.
***
But, let’s say climate change is a true existential threat … let’s say that in 20 years, people will be buying oceanfront property in Soda City, and we’ll all be living in caves because all homes have been destroyed by weekly hurricanes, floods, tornados, tsunamis, cyclones, earthquakes, snow, hail, fire and brimstone. Let’s say that’s the case.
What more is America supposed to do about it? We’re already taking draconian measures, destroying the fossil fuel industry, and paying out the wazoo for gas and diesel — all the while lower-class residents in our colder states are literally choosing between food and heating their homes.
The only nations that care about reducing emissions are filled with people who are wildly rich by global standards… because your quality of living is directly proportional to your concern about the environment. Do you think a single mother of three living in Section-8 housing cares? The guy washing the dishes after your $300 dinner? The millions of immigrants pouring across our southern border? The guy stuffing the air handler into your attic’s crawl space?
No. They don’t give a crap. They’ve got other things to worry about, like paying $7 for a dozen eggs. Oh, and it should be noted EV charging stations aren’t available in most trailer parks.
Fortunately, they have you, caring liberal. Every night when they get into bed with a tummy full of nutritious ramen, they thank God you’re out there, fighting on their behalf for solar and wind power. They say their prayers, thanking you for freeing them from their access to cheap and efficient fossil fuels, so they don’t have to play a role in stealing Greta’s childhood.
But … aside from half of America, you know who else doesn’t care? Don’t plan to do squat about reducing their emissions? That would be every country on earth that isn’t farting through silk. You know, those places where jobs pay $4 a day, and people are hungry, and grinding poverty is the norm.
I guess these heathens and savages just need to understand our “White Man’s burden.” They need to embrace the reality that we know they are incapable of taking care of themselves, so our greater intellect must be employed to save them from themselves.
But why don’t these other countries care? Is it because they’re too stupid to understand what “settled science” is? Or maybe they’re too smart, and understand that, by definition, science is never settled? Or maybe it’s because they are specifically exempt from doing anything under the agreements of the Paris Climate Accords?
Paris Climate Chairman: Okay, who’s concerned about global warming?
World-wide Attendees: Meee!!!!
Chairman: Good, good. Let’s see a show of hands of the nations who intend to do anything about it. Come on, lift ‘em up.
Let’s see… I see a bunch of rich, self-loathing white nations with their hands raised … but I also see we have almost no active participants from nations in South America, Africa, Asia, Eastern Europe, or Central America.
Come on… we need more enthusiasm.
Korea: We’re rich. We’ll help a little.
Japan: Us, too. We’ll put up a couple windmills.
Iran: Don’t forget about us — we’re building a nuke plant to reduce our carbon footprint.
Chairman: Great to hear from a peace-loving nation! Who else? Yes, China — what say you?
China: Just curious—America and Europe went through their industrial revolutions, and poisoned damn near every aspect of their environment, and killed untold numbers of people through unsafe working conditions. Why don’t we get to do that? You didn’t care about the environment when you were developing … why should we?
Chairman: Excellent question. It’s because now that we’re rich, we’re enlightened. You savages should listen to us more-intelligent-than-you rich nations.
China: Hmm … how about … kiss our asses. How’s that work into your schedule?
Chairman: Yes! Yes! We shall do that. To show our commitment, you are exempt from all regulation, and us self-hating wealthy white nations will triple down to make up for it.
Will all you developing nations promise to do better sometime in the unspecified future?
China: Speaking on behalf of every polluting nation, you may rest assured we will have sleepless nights until we are doing our part.
Russia and India: What China said!
So who are some of the nations that have signed onto the Paris Climate Accords, promising they are thrilled to be converting to going solar, wind and EVs:
Bangladesh; Bosnia and Herzegovina; Burundi; Cuba; Haiti; Mongolia; Rwanda; Afghanistan; Viet Nam; Belize; Romania; The Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia; Zimbabwe.
China: Hey, Burundi — we’d like to bring a new industry to your country that will create 5,000 new well-paying jobs. You interested?
Burundi: Yes.
China: Don’t you want to know what it is?
Burundi: Unless it will result in the death of every resident in the next fiscal year, we’re in.
China: Well … we want to build a carbon production plant, but unfortunately it will cause the death of every human in 75 years.
Burundi: That’s all? How fast can you get here?
I can only assume most pearl-clutching climate alarmists have never been to a Third World nation. I have — several, in fact. Here’s their top priority: Water that won’t kill them. Here’s where climate change falls in their list of things to worry about: #289.
One might wonder why they’ve all signed on, despite the fact they will never do a thing about their carbon emmissions because they can’t afford to.
Easy. Because now that all the rich liberal nations have professed to be the reason for the earth’s destruction, nations like Burundi will sue us for “damages” to their countries caused by “climate change.”
And we’ll pay, and pay, and pay.
Maybe all these Third World countries aren’t as stupid as liberals think they are.
***
ABOUT THE AUTHOR ...
Prioleau Alexander is a freelance writer, focusing mostly on politics and non-fiction humor. He is the author of two books: ‘You Want Fries With That?’ and ‘Dispatches Along the Way.’ Both are available on Amazon. He hopes to have another title published soon, but that would require his agent actually doing his job, so it may be awhile.
***
WANNA SOUND OFF?
Got something you’d like to say in response to one of our articles? Or an issue you’d like to proactively address? We have an open microphone policy here at FITSNews! Submit your letter to the editor (or guest column) via email HERE. Got a tip for a story? CLICK HERE. Got a technical question or a glitch to report? CLICK HERE.
2 comments
It’s a shame that people like Drunkle exist, who clearly don’t have a single clue about the actual science involved and will hum loudly when anyone who does tries to correct his spectacularly ignorant takes.
Quite literally, a guy like him is going to have to be taken by the hand like a literal toddler and shown up close, in person, the devastating effects of climate change well after it is no longer possible to avoid them, at which point he’ll blame scientists for not warning him sooner that this could happen.
You’re the embodiment of the “If the Titanic is sinking, then why are we so high up in the air?” meme.
What a factless uneducated piece of crap this article is. Let’s start with the obvious. We have done nothing to destroy the fossil fuel industry. Last year oil companies made more profits than at any point in the history of their existence. Biden just approved the largest drilling project on federal land in history, and when gas prices were high, Biden opened oil reserves to lower the price.
Second, no one claims Science is settled. Science evolves as we gain information. Newtonian physics was largely replaced by Einstein’s theory of relativity. But that does not mean we can’t use what information we have. Intelligent people use the best information they have available to make the best choices they can about their future. Newtonian physics, even fundamentally wrong, resulted in massive technological advancements and allowed us to accurately predict the orbit of the planets and the density of stars.
The vast majority of Scientists believe man is contributing to climate change, and that climate change is going to cost us Trillions of dollars and tens of millions of lives in the future. Most Scientists believe, if we act prudently now we can reduce the cost to us all and save millions of lives. We can either use the information we have to try to make the best choices or follow this idiot’s advice and say since we do not have 100% certainty we should simply ignore the issue altogether and do whatever we want.