Lifestyle

May Is … Masturbation Month?

THANK YOU, JOYCELYN ELDERS || By FITSNEWS || There probably won’t be an official proclamation forthcoming from president Barack Obama, but May is apparently “Masturbation Month.” No really … we looked it up.  Masturbation Month (or in some cases, “National Masturbation Day”) has been celebrated each May for the past…

THANK YOU, JOYCELYN ELDERS

|| By FITSNEWS || There probably won’t be an official proclamation forthcoming from president Barack Obama, but May is apparently “Masturbation Month.”

No really … we looked it up.  Masturbation Month (or in some cases, “National Masturbation Day”) has been celebrated each May for the past twenty years – in honor of former U.S. surgeon general Joycelyn Elders. Remember her?  She was fired by former president Bill Clinton in 1994 for suggesting masturbation be included in the sex education curriculum of government-run schools.

You know, as opposed to “fun with cigars.”

An overt excuse to sell sex toys, Masturbation Month has resulted in some interested pubic awareness, though.  Errr, public awareness. LOLz.

For example, according to polling from sex toy retailer Adam and Eve, 86 percent of Americans indulge in the habit – with two thirds of women saying they masturbate about three times a week.

Why so often?

“When we are faced with the choice of a man who might not get us off, and a battery operated toy that will 100 percent get us off, we reach for the toy. every. single. time,” the website Total Sorority Move noted.

Whoa …

According to the Adam and Eve data, 66 percent of women also said it’s easier to orgasm from masturbation than from sexual intercourse.

Sounds to us like another call to manhood, guys …

UPDATE: Evidently we erred in saying “National Masturbation Day” has been celebrated for the past twenty years.  As one of our male readers noted, “every guy ever has been celebrating every day since he learned how.”

***

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97 comments

shifty henry May 27, 2015 at 5:29 pm

Why am I just hearing about this today? I’ve already missed seven opportunities.

Reply
shifty henry May 27, 2015 at 5:31 pm

The nice thing about masturbation is that you don’t have to dress
up for it. [Truman Capote]
———————————–
To the lonely it is company; to the forsaken it is a friend; to the aged and the impotent it is a benefactor; they that are penniless are yet rich, in that they still have this majestic diversion. [Mark Twain – credited]

Reply
fred farkel May 27, 2015 at 6:09 pm

shifty henry it’s apparent that you enjoy playing with yourself.

Reply
shifty henry May 27, 2015 at 6:39 pm

Please….. that statement was credited!

Reply
euwe max May 27, 2015 at 7:13 pm

don’t you?

Reply
Garbage May 27, 2015 at 7:38 pm

LOL – I can’t believe I clicked like on that, but enough with the people who either lie or are miserable!

euwe max May 27, 2015 at 7:53 pm

nocturnal emissions are god’s way of telling us pleasure is inevitable.

Garbage May 27, 2015 at 8:10 pm

haha!

Zed May 28, 2015 at 7:36 am

Now cut that out!

(And call me, OK?)

Garbage May 28, 2015 at 9:06 am

I love you.Your plan to destroy this site is working.I will be deleting all of my posts shortly.The poem was for you.

Being transgender is fun.

Zed May 28, 2015 at 9:27 pm

^^^ Flip pogo aping Garbage. Or pogo flipping ape garbage. Something like that.

Garbage May 28, 2015 at 3:58 pm

LMAO! Reminds me of Blondie’s “Call Me….”

Garbage May 27, 2015 at 9:33 pm

I am working with the F.B.I and why I delete all of posts and accounts daily.

Zed and I are working together.

euwe max May 27, 2015 at 11:18 pm

Zed?

You Know My Name May 27, 2015 at 8:43 pm

Only if he can find the rubber coated tweezers AND the magnifying glass.

euwe max May 27, 2015 at 8:51 pm

hey… don’t demean someone for the size of their organ… woman have one tiny little button, but they don’t have trouble with that at all.. and I’ll be the *last* one to criticize them for inching towards the danger zone.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0R1M4PErKuk

Garbage May 27, 2015 at 7:37 pm

It is apparent when you feel inadequate to satisfy significant other that you attack other people. Interesting how that works.

Reply
You Know My Name May 27, 2015 at 8:48 pm

Like!!!!

Garbage May 27, 2015 at 9:45 pm

A helpless sigh evades
Wet lips.
For clammy fingertips
Fondle at my chest,
And my toes curl
As they brush past my stomach.
My lips part. I gasp.

I tremble at the sounds
Of my own dirty voices
And the three naked women
Hidden behind my eyelids
Whose touch I echo.

Reply
shifty henry May 27, 2015 at 11:18 pm

To relinquish the pain in my soul, I shall share this with others…..

shifty henry May 27, 2015 at 5:36 pm

The gynecologist raised his head after completing his examination. “I’m sorry,” he said, “but removing that vibrator is going to involve a very lengthy and delicate operation.”

“I’m not sure I can afford it,” sighed the young woman on the examination table. “Why don’t you just replace the batteries?”

Reply
Garbage May 27, 2015 at 7:36 pm

LMAO! And the man cowered in the corner ashamed of his ….

Reply
shifty henry May 27, 2015 at 10:36 pm

Can you tell us what LXIX is?

Reply
Garbage May 28, 2015 at 12:11 pm

LOL – I found it in the Wiktionary

Reply
shifty henry May 28, 2015 at 12:25 pm

yep — it’s ’69’ …. the hard way!

euwe max May 27, 2015 at 5:55 pm

I volunteer for Taylor studies.

Reply
E Norma Scok May 27, 2015 at 6:57 pm

I think Taylor is the model above.

Reply
9" May 27, 2015 at 7:05 pm

It might be Will in his panties and high heels…

Reply
euwe max May 27, 2015 at 7:08 pm

I’m thinking he’s a little embarrassed about it… what with being married and kids.. and having to hide out to rub one out.

Reply
9" May 27, 2015 at 9:18 pm

No.

euwe max May 27, 2015 at 11:19 pm

Well, that’s a relief!

euwe max May 27, 2015 at 7:06 pm

I’m sure I could help her get the most out of it… I have years of experience.

…a coach who really *cares*.

Reply
shifty henry May 27, 2015 at 10:31 pm

Max, do you know how to keep a sex maniac in suspense for 24 hours?

Reply
euwe max May 27, 2015 at 11:18 pm

um… by not answering my “no, how?” until tomorrow at this time?

shifty henry May 27, 2015 at 11:51 pm

Damn! You’re just too clever — you’re the only person to ever get that one — congratulations!

shifty henry May 27, 2015 at 9:18 pm

(sigh)

Reply
Taylor Brown May 28, 2015 at 9:59 am

Y’all. Seriously?!

Reply
E Norma Scok May 28, 2015 at 11:23 am

I was taking the place of creepy Buzz comments.

Reply
Taylor Brown May 28, 2015 at 9:12 pm

You’ve done a great job for a few months… Bravo

Buz (Zed) May 28, 2015 at 9:51 pm

ENC, of all the trolls on here seems to hate the fact that my first and only “Show us your tits!” to you has never been repeated. They interpret my respectful comments toward you since then as me playing nice guy to try to get in your pants. Reason being, that’s how they would play it. Just a fucking sad group our douchebags. btw, I’m sure by now you know that there is any shit disrespectful of you posted on here by “Zed”, “Buz”, “Buzzman”, or any variation on these, it’s by most likely by fucking pogo-flippy-farley-fc-etc. doin’ that thing that obsessed trolls gotta do.

Buz (Zed) May 28, 2015 at 10:01 pm

A browser issue with “The Buzzman” is why I usually don’t use it, because rarely use the only browser that allows it.
… he over-explained.

shifty henry May 27, 2015 at 9:14 pm

Q. What do a Rubik cube and a penis have in common?
A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

Reply
9" May 27, 2015 at 6:21 pm

You can make money masturbating on chaturbate.I met a nice man on there, stationed at
Fort Jackson(yeah , I know;)

Reply
euwe max May 27, 2015 at 7:14 pm

he’d just make you his bitch, and then he’d never call…

Reply
GI Joe May 27, 2015 at 8:19 pm

He’s just doing his part to show theml that Columbia is “military friendly”.

Reply
euwe max May 27, 2015 at 8:24 pm

That fancy southern mincing seems… feminine, y’all.

Reply
9" May 27, 2015 at 9:12 pm

He’s a GREAT guy. People have the misconception that gays are feminine or effeminate ,and some are, but that’s a date-breaker for me. Before doing anything else , you talk on the phone.You would not want to insult this guy.He’s built like a brick house.

Reply
Garbage May 27, 2015 at 7:32 pm

Further proof, men are no longer the bread winners – they aren’t even required for sex. Ha!

Reply
You Know My Name May 27, 2015 at 8:47 pm

Ouch! Going into serious snark territory (sorry, it was there so I had to), vibrators won’t buy you dinner and drinks before the act or pay you afterward.
;-)

Reply
Zed May 27, 2015 at 9:48 pm

Today I will masterbate!

Okay, that was a mistake. I should have written “Today I will masterbate–if I want to!”

Reply
Zane Brown May 27, 2015 at 8:17 pm

Get your goodies at http://www.sextoy101.com

Reply
shifty henry May 27, 2015 at 10:48 pm

The salesgirl at the Pink Pussycat Boutique didn’t bat an eye when the customer purchased an artificial vagina. “What’re you going to use it for?” she asked.

“None of your business,” answered the customer, thoroughly offended.

“Calm down, buddy,” soothed the salesgirl. “The only reason I’m asking
is that if it’s food, we don’t have to charge you sales tax.”

Reply
You Know My Name May 28, 2015 at 3:30 am

Like!

Vaj: nature’s real “finger food”.

Reply
You Know My Name May 27, 2015 at 8:35 pm

While playing poker one night, the guests were continuously being annoyed by the host’s ten year old son. The kid kept making non-stop noise, running into and upsetting the table on which they were playing, looking over players’ shoulders and announcing what cards they held, and more.

The guests became more and more irritated until finally one called a time out and asked the father if he might have a few minutes with his son. The father had been getting irritated too but lacked the spine to control the little bastard so he welcomed the offer of help from the guest.

After a few minutes, the guest came back alone and the game resumed. An hour or so later, it began to dawn on the players that it had become quiet and pleasant in the room and the unruly kid hadn’t been heard from in a while. Finally, someone asked the guy what he did with the kid, wondering if he had tied the kid up and gagged him, or maybe killed him.

The guest replied that it was nothing so drastic. “I just taught him how to masturbate.”

Reply
shifty henry May 27, 2015 at 9:10 pm

This started out like a joke, but now I believe this really happened!

Reply
You Know My Name May 28, 2015 at 9:12 am

Somewhere, at some time, it probably has, Shifty.

Reply
You Know My Name May 27, 2015 at 8:40 pm

Buy a man a piece of ass and you’ve fucked him for a day.

Teach him how to masturbate and you’ve given him sexual gratification for life.

Reply
Garbage May 27, 2015 at 9:44 pm

LMAO!

Reply
shifty henry May 27, 2015 at 9:44 pm

(Richard Rhodes) ‘Making Love’
——————————————-
The vacuum cleaner was efficient, I’ll say that. And quick. I twisted off the wand, turned on the vacuum took out my penis, wet it with spit, stroked it to erection and slipped it into the suctioning metal opening of the hose. The pipe swallowed me with a boisterous, pulsing slobber; the vacuum motor began to race; my penis felt as if it were being pulled off but smacked against the inside wall of the pipe so intensely that I came before I even had time to steady down.

Reply
Garbage May 27, 2015 at 9:46 pm

LOLOL – very similar to women and the bathtub jets. I don’t go into detail, but you get gist ;)

Reply
Hey now. May 28, 2015 at 7:32 am

I said hey now.

Reply
Beef Strokinoff May 28, 2015 at 7:33 am

You mean we get the jizz, don’t you?

Reply
Shifty Bites The Dust May 27, 2015 at 11:52 pm

This comment is not appropriate for under-aged visitors to this website. Due to such, you are being reported to the webmasters, to SLED, the FBI, and to the FCC.

Reply
shifty henry May 28, 2015 at 7:21 am

“reported to the webmasters, to SLED, the FBI, and to the FCC”

Yes, and they’ve already called me to ask what brand and model vacuum cleaner was used….

Reply
mamatiger92 May 28, 2015 at 9:20 am

cue eye rolling

Reply
You Know My Name May 28, 2015 at 11:15 am

Why always the raging hard-on for Shifty? He helps to keep this site fun, entertaining, and educational.

You might benefit from a little self-release, especially since you don’t seem to be getting any action from ghe ladies.

Reply
shifty henry May 28, 2015 at 10:45 pm

I doubt that anyone under the age of 25 is a regular reader of these serious matters.

Reply
NoTell May 27, 2015 at 8:49 pm

Bible Thumper’s favorite subject. I see him posting under one of his altered egos?

Reply
shifty henry May 27, 2015 at 10:58 pm

Our Dark Masters must be spinning crazy trying to figure out what secret messages are included in the comments on this article.

Reply
You Know My Name May 28, 2015 at 9:14 am

Yes, and the Dark Baiters are equally vexed by our comments, too!

Reply
The Colonel May 27, 2015 at 11:31 pm

Masturbation month hunh – guess that explains Grand Tango’s disappearance….

Reply
mamatiger92 May 28, 2015 at 8:30 am

well played

Reply
Nölff May 28, 2015 at 8:34 am

You won the comment game

Reply
Dedicated to Celebration May 28, 2015 at 9:01 am

All of his comments basically tooted his own horn and belittled everyone else to further bolster his greatness. That counts as masturbation doesn’t it?

Reply
The Colonel May 28, 2015 at 9:02 am

I think it counts as mental masturbation

Reply
TroubleBaby May 28, 2015 at 9:18 am Reply
The Plain Truth May 28, 2015 at 11:39 am

hahahaahaha!

Reply
Timmy Tebow May 28, 2015 at 12:22 pm

WINNER!!!!

Reply
john holmes May 28, 2015 at 7:16 am

My wife gets off with a vibrator every single day, she is always in a great mood.

Reply
Beef Stroinoff May 28, 2015 at 7:30 am

Stokin’ to the east,
Strokin’ to the west …

Reply
Nölff May 28, 2015 at 7:31 am

May-sturbation

Reply
shifty henry May 28, 2015 at 10:25 pm

very clever!

Reply
tomstickler May 28, 2015 at 7:54 am

Seriously, for a moment. Adam & Eve started as a mail-order contraceptives business by an old schoolmate of mine as part of his Masters Degree thesis in family planning. He battled with the Reagan administration Justice Department over their enforcement of the Comstock Law that forbade mailing birth control.

http://www.adameve.com/t-company_info.aspx

Reply
guest May 28, 2015 at 9:08 am

That was a nice story.A friend of mine created the internet.

Reply
hiddyho! May 28, 2015 at 9:23 am

you know Al?

Reply
Anonymouseschmuck May 28, 2015 at 9:21 am

Go figure? Sic Willie publishes article about masturbation month but he won’t celebrate National Cat Hairball Awareness Day which came and went on April 24th. There is a pussy connection in there somewhere.

https://www.daysoftheyear.com/days/hairball-awareness-day/

Reply
Garbage May 28, 2015 at 7:09 pm

Too Funny!!!!

Reply
shifty henry May 28, 2015 at 10:18 pm

Tomorrow is officially “LEARN ABOUT COMPOSTING DAY”…

Reply
shifty henry May 28, 2015 at 10:23 pm

Neat site, better than mine — added to favorites.

Reply
You Know My Name May 28, 2015 at 11:07 am

Related poetic musings read in Hustler’s “Graffilthy” section, years ago.

Here I sit all down and degraded,
She wanted to fuck but I’d just masturbated.

I am the janitor of this stinkin’place,
And I’d like to break your fuckin’ face,
If you’re the jerk who pumps his balls,
And squirts all over these sticky walls.

Reply
Garbage May 28, 2015 at 7:01 pm

FREE SIC WILLIE CAMPAIGN: I am surprised we haven’t seen more people supporting this site, at least verbally. I guess after the one article that FITS is being sued, everyone has forgotten?

To my knowledge there is not a fund set up, which I think there should be, to keep freedom of speech – free.

We all have the ability to contribute to the this site by donating in whatever capacity we can: https://www.fitsnews.com/donate/

I am going to post this on other pages unless/until admin request I take it down or I see something that indicates it has been settled. Only one post per page, so as not to spam, but inform readers/contributors.

FREE SIC WILLIE CAMPAIGN, donate here: https://www.fitsnews.com/donate/

Reply
Harry Horndogger May 28, 2015 at 9:10 pm

For those who enjoy the best kind of porn there is, female masturbation videos (especially fingers-only), there are two stars that are beyond compare: Jana Cova and Heather Vandeven. They mostly do solo or girl-on-girl — usually with fingers, toys and scissoring, and sometimes more than one girl. But in recent years, Jana has done some boy-girl stuff, home-movie style, with her main man. Google these babes. Lots of free vids out there. Unfortunately, none at all of Hearher and Jana doing each other.

Reply
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