SC

Deadly New SC Squirrel Species Discovered

Call it the Ceramicus Squirrelis Redneckus …  A deadly new squirrel species has been discovered in South Carolina thanks to the Christmas Eve exploits of Helen Williams of Charleston, S.C. According to WCIV TV 4 (ABC – Charleston, S.C.), Williams repeatedly stabbed her boyfriend with a ceramic squirrel because he…

Call it the Ceramicus Squirrelis Redneckus … 

A deadly new squirrel species has been discovered in South Carolina thanks to the Christmas Eve exploits of Helen Williams of Charleston, S.C.

According to WCIV TV 4 (ABC – Charleston, S.C.), Williams repeatedly stabbed her boyfriend with a ceramic squirrel because he failed to bring home beer.

Ah yes … “it’s a great day in South Carolina,” people.

“When officers questioned Williams, she said nothing happened, the man just fell and cut himself,” WCIV reported. “However, the report states that Williams was also covered in blood. She told the officers that the blood was not the victim’s, that it had been there.”

Mmhmmm …

The victim told police Williams had dispatched him to buy beer, but he was unable to do so because it was Christmas Eve and all the stores were closed.  While attempting to make a sandwich, the man was repeatedly stabbed by the enraged, squirrel-wielding Williams – receiving multiple cuts to his head and chest.

Yikes …

Courtesy of the Charleston County Detention Center, here’s a look at the perpetrator …

williams

Double yikes!

Williams was arrested and charged with criminal domestic violence of a high and aggravated nature. She is currently being held on $10,000 bond.  The victim was hospitalized.

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17 comments

TontoBubbaGoldstein December 28, 2013 at 12:46 pm

There had to be a gas station open somewhere!

Dude got his desserts.

Pro Tip:
When sent for beer, return with beer. If you can’t find beer…don’t return.

Simple, really.

Bonus Pro Tip:
If your significant other looks like miss Helen… NEVER even come close to running out of beer. In fact, TBG would recommend hard liquor.

Double Bonus ProTip (Hey, It’s the holidays!):
Sometimes the best defense is a good offence.
He should have made her make him his sammich.

Reply
Trivia December 28, 2013 at 3:39 pm

“Deserts”
Odd, but true.

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TontoBubbaGoldstein December 28, 2013 at 4:56 pm

After a brief Google search returning sites as diverse as Snopes and Urbandictionary…it appears you are correct, sir.

All his life, TBG thought it was “just desserts” and that “I’ve Been Working on the Railroad” was The University of Georgia’s fight song…

Next TBG will probably be informed that the central message of Buddhism is not “Every man for himself”.

Doofus, thy name is Tonto.

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JJEvans December 28, 2013 at 11:03 pm

The dude shouldn’t date ugly fat chicks!

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Slartibartfast December 29, 2013 at 9:25 pm

She sounds like a candidate for hormone replacement therapy. In any case, she should be treated with a gonadotropin. So, she was just aggravating her condition by ingesting more beer.

And by the way, do you know how to make a hormone?
Promise her a Mercedes..

Reply
Smirks December 28, 2013 at 1:19 pm

Ceramic squirrels, the weapon of choice when you’re fucking nuts.

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GOP Operative December 28, 2013 at 1:26 pm

I’ll bet those squirrels up Maria’s, Kelly’s and Donna’s skirts will, in the end , prove more deadly and harmful than the ceramic one!
Sanford, Peeler and Eckstrom will pay a higher price than that already realized through reputation and financial destruction.
These women are a cancer to all they come in contact with. The ceramic squirrel pales in comparison. The nuts keep falling in South Carolina!

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TontoBubbaGoldstein December 28, 2013 at 1:57 pm

Mickey Mouse is in the process of divorcing Minnie Mouse.

As they sit in the courtroom, the judge says to Mickey, “Mr. Mouse, you claim the reason for your divorce is primarily based on the fact that your wife is crazy?”

Mickey responds, “No, I didn’t say she was crazy, I said she was fucking Goofy!”

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The Colonel December 28, 2013 at 3:54 pm

+5 I’m still laughing…

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SparkleCity December 29, 2013 at 9:36 pm

My UPS Center Manager told that joke to us “guys on the belt” in 1975!!!

But I’ve loved/told it since then!!!

Thanks Herb Ballard where ever you are!!!

Reply
nitrat December 28, 2013 at 5:38 pm

This sounded like white crime to me. But, thought that I had seen a picture of a black woman somewhere.
Oh, I know, I thought the stabbing over the wedding colors was definitely white, but that was where I saw the black woman.

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Centrist View December 28, 2013 at 7:52 pm

Ceramic squirrels will be outlawed, and only criminals will will have ceramic squirrels.

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Will Folks aka Sic December 29, 2013 at 2:56 pm

+2 to you on that one …

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SparkleCity December 29, 2013 at 9:37 pm

It’s already making the rounds on MSN…………….

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Jimmorrhoid December 28, 2013 at 9:59 pm

If the dude was gay he wouldn’t have such issues. No he wouldn’t at all. It just wouldn’t be that way. Gay dudes would not have CERAMIC SQUIRRELS in their adobe!

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MashPotato December 29, 2013 at 2:07 am

Chivalry is dead, and so is chauvinism.

Reply
CorruptionInColumbia December 31, 2013 at 12:38 pm

Thank goodness (for him, at least) that she didn’t have access to a rettysnitch in the house.

http://www.natradioco.com/rdey/rs.gif

Has anyone else seen the pics of the three women who are accused of murdering the Branchville Fire Chief? This one is ugly enough that they might want to see if she was involved or not. She would fit right in with the others.

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